Tonight would be the night, my friend Johnny told himself.
He’d dated the lovely Sarah off and on — flirting with her over $15 cocktails at swanky clubs, trying to get closer and being pushed away. He finally decided to go for it — to show her how he really felt and pull her into his orbit once and for all. Off they went to New York for the weekend and all was going well. They laughed and kissed over dinner at a hip Japanese restaurant... that is, until a guy named Brad happened to appear.
Sarah had mentioned to her “friend” (as she called Brad) that she might be in town for the weekend, and let slip the name of the place where she and Johnny would be dining. Since Brad knew the hottest parties in town, Sarah thought the three of them could team up to hit a few. Before Johnny could raise any objections, his romantic date was co-opted into a group outing — one where he was forced to watch Brad and Sarah dance together all night. The kicker? She ended up spending the rest of the weekend with Brad. And Johnny? He was devastated. He had no idea women acted that way. He’d been used... and it wasn’t a pretty sensation.
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Long a label associated exclusively with men (James Bond, Mr. Big, and Alfie, to name a few fictional examples), the term “player” has increasingly become fitting for a number of women in the dating world. Like their male counterparts, female players are always stringing along numerous suitors and thriving on all the attention — not to mention the flower deliveries. What makes a woman like her tick? And can we men stop ourselves from falling for it? As someone who’s dated one or two of these ladies (and recoils at the memory), let me share what I can on the subject. First, the good news:
Pro: The ego boost you get from dating a female player can be wonderful
These women don’t get all this attention from the opposite sex because they’re wallflowers or unattractive. They are dazzling conversationalists, well-dressed, and very capable flirts. Says Paul, 37, “I’ve dated a couple of women like this, and I have to say, they present themselves in such a great way. It’s like dating a character from some television show. They’re full of funny stories and they always have beautiful hair, lovely nails, great clothes. When you’re out with one of them, you feel like a clever catch out on the town.” That’s part of what keeps a man coming back again and again for more — they feel as if they’re part of a rarefied, fabulous world when they’re with this kind of woman. Oh, and there’s one more specific way in which they dazzle men, as you’ll see in my next point.
Pro: Player types always have incredible style
All of the men I interviewed who had dated a female player said the same thing (looking rather dreamy-eyed):
She had great style. “This is not the kind of woman who’s going to be caught dead in plain cotton PJs,” says Tony, 41. “The woman I dated? She toyed with my emotions, that’s for sure. But I can’t help but be nostalgic for her outfits. I’d never seen anything like it. Talk about a kid in a candy store. I guess she’d accumulated that wardrobe to keep her different suitors enticed.”
Con: These women are on a power trip with all men, not just dates
Female players believe the pleasure of their company is a treasure men should work for... or else. One I spoke with named Christie, 28, explains it this way: “I don’t throw myself at men; I see dates as a trade-off. The guy gets to be seen with a hot woman at a restaurant, and I get to eat sushi for free,” she asserts. “I had a male friend take me to get a couples massage. He got to see me in a towel and I got pampered at a nice hotel. Sounds fair, don’t you think?”
Obviously, a man’s ego can take a real whipping from this kind of treatment. I don’t know about you, but feeling like a doggie chasing after a premium chew toy isn’t exactly something I cherish in my personal life. Knowing that these women see themselves as “above men” is a really cold way to live (to me, at least).
Con: The minute you stop chasing a player, she’ll move on
It goes without saying that men love the thrill of the chase — and that’s exactly what a female player gives them by keeping the relationship casual. “Guys don’t like it when you’re too eager and available, so I keep my schedule booked,” explains Mary, a chic blonde who usually juggles a handful of suitors. “When you make a man work for it, he really ramps up the romance — he’s doing everything he can to impress you and be the last man standing. I’m really amazed by how hard a man will try to win me over: orchids, dinner at the most in-demand restaurants, incredible love notes — sometimes even jewelry. It’s almost embarrassing what a guy will do to get the girl of his dreams.”
Embarrassing, yeah. A female player’s way of remaining cool, coveted and non-committal can drive someone crazy. As Jay-Z once said, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but that’s a tall order. My best advice? If you find yourself drawn in by one of these women’s charms, set your pride aside — and bring your ATM card.
Jonathan Small has been played like an Xbox by several women. A freelance writer based in Los Angeles, he’s also coauthor of the book The Best Places to Kiss in Southern California.
For the other side of this story, read Are you dating a player?.
Article courtesy of
Match.com.