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Ask Lynn-He’s Worried About Being Judged By Dates


One man is afraid of losing his nice-guy status after his divorce. How can he reassure future dates that he's still a good catch… even though his marriage didn't last? Lynn offers her perspective.

By Lynn Harris

ear Lynn,
I am in the process of a divorce. It's taking a long time for this miraculous event to happen. In the meantime, I am ready to get back to dating. My question is: how do I let women know that I am a really nice guy capable of powerful love, but I
So when it comes to dating, just tell the truth.
am still attached to my soon-to-be ex? Any advice would be helpful.
– Lonely in AR

Dear Lonely in AR,
You are farther ahead of the game than you think you are. Women are often (rightly) advised to be wary of gentlemen who say "I am in the process of a divorce" when what they mean is: "I am busy telling every attractive woman I meet that I am in the process of a divorce" or "I am in the process of making a lot of empty promises about getting a divorce." If you are, indeed, in the legal process of divorcing — as in, if I went to the courthouse to check, I'd see the papers you've already filed — then you're in fine shape.

So when it comes to dating, just tell the truth. Which is: you're in the legal process of a divorce, and you've done the mental processing that's gotten you ready to get back out there and date again. Don't process your emotions about the situation with your date; also, don't over-share (or generate any negative vibes at all) in regards to your ex. And while we're on the subject, don't rush into dating. Don't rush anything right now. You might feel impatient or even exhilarated now, but — who knows? — you also might still go through a period of sadness and want to be alone for awhile later on when it's all been said and done. Give yourself (and your future dates) plenty of time. There's no rush!

But, bottom line — and this is for anyone, really: How do you let women know you're a really nice guy capable of powerful love? You act like one. Which I'm sure you already do, quite naturally.


Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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