Ghosts, goblins and other Halloween scares don’t hold a candle to these tales of love gone wrong. Read on and take heart that these disastrous dates didn’t happen to you.
He made her blood run cold
“A friend of a friend called me for a date, and we agreed to go for a walk. Things were going well, until he mentioned that he was a member of a secret church in which the only women allowed were ‘goddesses.’ He started talking about vampirism but was elusive about his own vampire status, saying ‘Real vampires never say they’re vampires.’ Needless to say, the date ended really quickly after that!”
— Heather M.*, Newark, DE
He was haunted by his own past
“I had a first date with a recent divorcé at a lovely Italian restaurant on a Saturday night. I proceeded to order eggplant Parmesan. As soon as I said it, he started choking, even though he had nothing in his mouth. Apparently, that was his ex’s favorite dish — and as I was about to find out, he was still hung up on her. I offered him water, the waiter whacked him on the back... but he wound up having a full-blown panic attack, so I called an ambulance. Since I couldn’t ride in the ambulance because I wasn’t a relative, I had to meet him at the hospital, where doctors determined that he was still so upset that he was committed to psychiatric care. By the time his paperwork was processed, my date couldn’t remember my name. Even so, he asked me to go to the store and buy him cigarettes, underwear, and deodorant. When I returned to the hospital, I suppose that was our second date, because it was already Sunday... but it was also our last.”
— Sherry Davey, Brooklyn, NY
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Diagnosis: date-night disaster!
“I had a dinner date with a guy I met at karate class — a cute doctor, to boot! Over the meal, I asked him what type of doctor he was, he said he was an ob-gyn. I tried to joke and say things like, ‘Well, that’s not really dinner conversation, huh?’ and ‘Oh, I’m sure that like most other jobs, that gets boring to you — it must be like making copies after a while.’ But he replied with, ‘Oh, no, not when you see what some of these women come down with...’ and proceeded to describe how unboring his job actually was. He spent the rest of the meal talking about women’s privates and various tests. Charming!”
— Amy S.*, Sea Cliff, NY
Their romance ran its course after just one date
“A guy took me out to eat at a moderately priced restaurant. At the end of the meal, I left the table and used the restroom; when I got back, he said he’d paid and we were all set to go. I was puzzled when he kept pulling my arm to walk faster... until I realized that our waitress was literally chasing us down the street. I made him stop and when she caught up with him, she ‘reminded’ him that he needed to pay the bill. He played dumb and paid up, but the fact that he’d rushed out of the restaurant made it obvious he’d done it on purpose. Let’s just say that he never got another date — or even acknowledgment of his existence — after that.”
— Brittney Cason, Charlotte County, VA
He just wasn’t her cup of tea
“I was sitting in a cafe with my date, who seemed quite articulate and bright. He was having a cup of tea. The next thing I knew, he finished the tea, took the tea bag out of the mug, and started rubbing it all over his face and neck. To this day, I still don’t know why. I switched into my best professional voice and calmly asked, ‘Why are you doing that?’ He answered, ‘It feels good!’ I don’t know which was worse — the fact that it happened, or the fact that when I told another single friend of mine about it, she suggested I give him another chance because ‘He is a lawyer.’ It was a real low point in my dating life!”
— Claudia Rutherford, Northampton, MA
His kiss didn’t make a lick of sense to her
“I agreed to go on a date with the son of my parents’ insurance agent. He bored me over dinner and then dragged me roller skating, which I didn’t even know how to do. After about 10 minutes, I claimed I had a sore ankle and needed to go home. But that wasn’t in his game plan. He took me to a parking lot and proceeded to ‘kiss’ me — or at least, I think that’s what he thought he was doing. Basically, he licked my entire face, like an overgrown Labrador. After I was good and grossed out and covered with his saliva, he finally drove me home. I got inside and scrubbed my face so ferociously that it was red for two days afterwards.”
— Suzanne L.*, Miami Lakes, FL
His thriftiness was more than she’d bargained for
“My first date took me out to dinner at a restaurant — and whipped out a coupon for a two-for-one special and told me I’d be having the prime rib. Later, he complained about movies being $10 and used a student ID to get $1.50 off, then looked at me as though I should be buying my own ticket. Only in L.A.!”
— Gayle A.*, Los Angeles, CA
By the end of his date, they were both up in arms
“A few months ago, I sat down with a blind date and right off the bat, he looked down at my arm and said, ‘You’re a cute guy, but I didn’t know you’d be so hairy.’ I was a little embarrassed, but tried to make a joke of it by saying, ‘Well, I’m Italian.’ But he kept staring at my arm, so I got a little bit sarcastic and said, ‘That’s OK with you, right?’ ‘Yeah, I guess it’s OK,’ he said and shrugged. We started chatting and I thought we’d made it past that issue, but an hour later, he interjected out of nowhere, ‘Did you ever consider electrolysis?’”
— Stephan M.*, New York, NY
His penny-pinching ways put her to sleep
“My date picked me up by honking his horn from my driveway, then told me that he had to stop and buy gas. I got in the car and pointed him to a gas station near my house, but he complained that it was too expensive. He proceeded to drive around, comparison-shopping for gas prices at what must have been dozens of different stations. I actually fell asleep and woke up back in front of my house. He’d driven me back because he was so irritated that I wasn’t engaged in his hunt for the cheapest gas!”
— Terry E.*, Los Angeles, CA
* Some full names are not given to protect the victims’ privacy, but — cue creepy music — it all happened!
New York-based freelance writer Laura Gilbert’s worst date involved twin brothers, seaweed, a band named after a toy and a dinner bill paid in quarters.